Because I’ve found a love greater than life itself. What does that mean? It means that I’ve found a love so strong, so
powerful that I will give up my life for it.
Not “give up my life” as in die; I often think of how easy it would be
to do exactly that. Die. To not have to struggle and stumble and fail
constantly anymore. To not constantly
disappoint everyone in my life because of all the things that are in me that
are stronger than I am. Don’t doubt it -
If you knew me, knew the truth of who I am, instead of the front that I put up,
you would be disappointed.
When I say “give up my life” I mean it in the sense that I
will willingly give up everything that I have wanted in my life for this
love. That I will do my best to forget about
the big house, the fast car and the lavish vacations. That instead of everything that I want in my
life, I will make the choices that this love dictates. I will give up material things to bring a
little girl who was abandoned by her mother to be with her Real Mother. That I will give up the stuff that I want, to hopefully give those choices to children in
need.
As I re-read what I’ve just written, inspired by listening
to the Bethel Worship song “I’ve Found a Love” on Spotify, I’m struck by the
insanity and arrogance of the words.
Even a couple of years ago, when I was starting to get involved at my
Church and considering myself something of a “Christian”, I would have thought
it was crazy to adopt a “retarded” kid.
Why would anyone want to bring that kind of misery and suffering into
their life? Why would you want a child
that would never be able to do anything?
As I get older and less stupid (I’ll never be wise, trust me)
I’ve come to understand that what a person is actually capable of means very
little. The more important thing is how
much a person strives to reach that potential.
The greatest hope that I have for my child(ren) is that they will work hard
to be the best that they can be, no matter what. I am more impressed and inspired by someone
who strives to overcome adversity than by someone who was Blessed with a huge
talent, and fails to take full advantage of it.
I think I’m beginning to understand how a parent can be as proud of a
child who has learned to tie their own shoes after years of effort, as one that
goes on to law school or professional sports.
And EVERY child, regardless of health, circumstance or race – EVERY child
deserves to be loved, and to have a chance at life.
The arrogance is something I have, and always will, struggle
with. Without bothering to look up the
references, I can think of a couple of different authors and speakers who have
made the case for Pride being the most dangerous of faults. I know that it is a huge issue in my
life. My pride is what causes me to
stumble the most, and also what makes me want to take credit when I actually
manage to not completely suck as a human being.
Lately I’ve been looking around and judging people for not doing more
than they are, because I feel secure and superior in what I’m doing. What I forget is that Angie and I are part of
a community that could very easily look down on us because we’re only adopting
one little girl, instead of 5, and that she is comparatively very healthy. I don’t know if I could ever be strong enough
or faithful enough to do what some of the families on Reese’s Rainbow do, and
it is humbling to remember that. All of
this besides the fact that I haven’t really done anything. Angie has done most of the hard work, and our
friends and family have done as much financially as we have. Even the arrogance that it took to write that
first paragraph – every sentence starts with “I” and is all about “me”…it makes
me want to go back and delete it. I
leave it in hopes that it helps prove a point.
Listening to a song that thousands of people know by heart, and I think
that what comes into my head makes me somehow special, meaningful or unique.
I’m not any of those things, and I can’t accomplish anything
on my own. I’m just another person
trying to put my selfish nature far enough aside for God to be able to do
something with the life He has given me.
Despite this, He still loves me. Still wants me to be near to Him.
Wants me to find my joy in Him, and in the purpose that He has given me. Maybe the reason we struggle with the concept
of God so much as a whole is because that kind of love is completely outside of
what comes naturally to us. Or maybe I
just struggle because I think I know better than Him.
Our Church is doing a series that poses the question “What
Breaks Your Heart?” and it is reminding me that this was not a logical choice
that Angie and I made. We didn’t sit
around and talk about how we could have an impact on the World. Angie stumbled upon Reese’s Rainbow by
accident while looking for adoption agencies.
What she saw broke her heart. She
started trying to get me to pay attention to it, which I wanted absolutely nothing
to do with, of course. But I could only
take looking at so many of the pictures before it got to me. I didn’t think I had a heart to break. Apparently I was wrong.
The decision to act was not an easy one because the logic
kept winning out, which sounds better than “It took me a while to get over my
selfishness and build up the courage to actually believe in God.” The deciding
factor for me was that I had seen things that I couldn’t un-see, learned things
I couldn’t forget, and those things made it too painful to continue doing
nothing to help. It wasn’t so much a
choice of deciding to act as it was to pull my head out of the sand and see the
world around me. How you act will just
be seeing what hurts you the most out of all the ugliness that’s out there.
-Jason
