Bethel Live Worship - I've Found a Love (Sung by Jenn Johnson)

I thought since I was sharing about the blog on Facebook that I should actually contribute as well.  Inspired by listening to Bethel Live Worship on Spotify. Video below, if you're not familiar with the song.

Because I’ve found a love greater than life itself.  What does that mean?  It means that I’ve found a love so strong, so powerful that I will give up my life for it.  Not “give up my life” as in die; I often think of how easy it would be to do exactly that.  Die.  To not have to struggle and stumble and fail constantly anymore.  To not constantly disappoint everyone in my life because of all the things that are in me that are stronger than I am.  Don’t doubt it - If you knew me, knew the truth of who I am, instead of the front that I put up, you would be disappointed.

When I say “give up my life” I mean it in the sense that I will willingly give up everything that I have wanted in my life for this love.  That I will do my best to forget about the big house, the fast car and the lavish vacations.  That instead of everything that I want in my life, I will make the choices that this love dictates.  I will give up material things to bring a little girl who was abandoned by her mother to be with her Real Mother.  That I will give up the stuff that I want, to hopefully give those choices to children in need.

As I re-read what I’ve just written, inspired by listening to the Bethel Worship song “I’ve Found a Love” on Spotify, I’m struck by the insanity and arrogance of the words.  Even a couple of years ago, when I was starting to get involved at my Church and considering myself something of a “Christian”, I would have thought it was crazy to adopt a “retarded” kid.  Why would anyone want to bring that kind of misery and suffering into their life?  Why would you want a child that would never be able to do anything? 

As I get older and less stupid (I’ll never be wise, trust me) I’ve come to understand that what a person is actually capable of means very little.  The more important thing is how much a person strives to reach that potential.  The greatest hope that I have for my child(ren) is that they will work hard to be the best that they can be, no matter what.  I am more impressed and inspired by someone who strives to overcome adversity than by someone who was Blessed with a huge talent, and fails to take full advantage of it.  I think I’m beginning to understand how a parent can be as proud of a child who has learned to tie their own shoes after years of effort, as one that goes on to law school or professional sports.  And EVERY child, regardless of health, circumstance or race – EVERY child deserves to be loved, and to have a chance at life.

The arrogance is something I have, and always will, struggle with.  Without bothering to look up the references, I can think of a couple of different authors and speakers who have made the case for Pride being the most dangerous of faults.  I know that it is a huge issue in my life.  My pride is what causes me to stumble the most, and also what makes me want to take credit when I actually manage to not completely suck as a human being.  Lately I’ve been looking around and judging people for not doing more than they are, because I feel secure and superior in what I’m doing.  What I forget is that Angie and I are part of a community that could very easily look down on us because we’re only adopting one little girl, instead of 5, and that she is comparatively very healthy.  I don’t know if I could ever be strong enough or faithful enough to do what some of the families on Reese’s Rainbow do, and it is humbling to remember that.  All of this besides the fact that I haven’t really done anything.  Angie has done most of the hard work, and our friends and family have done as much financially as we have.  Even the arrogance that it took to write that first paragraph – every sentence starts with “I” and is all about “me”…it makes me want to go back and delete it.  I leave it in hopes that it helps prove a point.  Listening to a song that thousands of people know by heart, and I think that what comes into my head makes me somehow special, meaningful or unique. 

I’m not any of those things, and I can’t accomplish anything on my own.  I’m just another person trying to put my selfish nature far enough aside for God to be able to do something with the life He has given me.  Despite this, He still loves me.  Still wants me to be near to Him.  Wants me to find my joy in Him, and in the purpose that He has given me.  Maybe the reason we struggle with the concept of God so much as a whole is because that kind of love is completely outside of what comes naturally to us.  Or maybe I just struggle because I think I know better than Him.

Our Church is doing a series that poses the question “What Breaks Your Heart?” and it is reminding me that this was not a logical choice that Angie and I made.  We didn’t sit around and talk about how we could have an impact on the World.  Angie stumbled upon Reese’s Rainbow by accident while looking for adoption agencies.  What she saw broke her heart.  She started trying to get me to pay attention to it, which I wanted absolutely nothing to do with, of course.  But I could only take looking at so many of the pictures before it got to me.  I didn’t think I had a heart to break.  Apparently I was wrong. 

The decision to act was not an easy one because the logic kept winning out, which sounds better than “It took me a while to get over my selfishness and build up the courage to actually believe in God.” The deciding factor for me was that I had seen things that I couldn’t un-see, learned things I couldn’t forget, and those things made it too painful to continue doing nothing to help.  It wasn’t so much a choice of deciding to act as it was to pull my head out of the sand and see the world around me.  How you act will just be seeing what hurts you the most out of all the ugliness that’s out there.

-Jason